NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS EEP!

I've been crazy hard on my self lately.  A big ball of self-loathing, if you will.  But the other day I was helping my dad brainstorm for our annual Christmas card and my list of 2014 events forced me to snap out of my months long hate fest.  When it comes down to it, 2014 has been my most eventful and successful year thus far.  However much I loathe myself now, I can't help but agree with this fact.  I started the year with a month in Thailand.  I graduated later that year from CU Denver.  I spent the next three months traveling across Europe to seven different countries (England, Netherlands, Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Spain, France).  The next month was spent visiting Denver, CO and Austin, TX.  And the two months after that were spent in Iowa with my parents, slaving away at grad school apps and torturing myself for not being a more efficient writer.  When I went back to Colorado the next month, I started to find some clarity and positivity.  I was able to spend longer periods of time with my brother and sister-in-law and their cutie lil dog along with mah spirit friend, April and the best gang of folks in Denver.  Anyway, I'm just trying to remind myself that:

--Four months of my year were spent abroad.
--Two additional months were spent living out of two duffle bags.
--Two months were spent in Sonja jail, (my own mind).
--And the rest of the year was spent finishing school.

So, this is all just to say that part of 2015 will be spent mellowing the F out because if my next year is anything like my last year, I'll be totally thrilled.  My 2015 resolutions are super simple.  But first, let me dig up last years goals and laugh at myself for whatever is to follow:

2014 Goals:
1.  Chop off all of my hair by the end of the year.  NOPE LONG HAIR DON'T CARE
2.  Become comfortable hiking alone.  NOPE, BUT TRAVELING ALONE--YES!!
3.  Travel to another country (Not including Thailand). YES!!!!!!
4.  Visit my aunt Pat in Idaho. NO:(
5.  Go skiing at least once more this season and buy a ski pass for next season. NOPE
6.  Get comfortable visiting ski resorts and skiing on my own. NOPE
7.  Find a place where I can live with Alamo (my doggie).  NOPE (the dogs are staying together with their dad, Jeremiah.  Single tear.)
8.  Continue volunteering at the Botanic Gardens.  Begin volunteering at a senior living facility. UGH, NO TO BOTH OF THESE.
9.  Create a bangin' CV. NO, BUT MY RESUME IS LOOKING PRETTY SPICY LATELY.
10.  Graduate college. YES
11.  Apply for an internship in NYC BABAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY. (IN THE WORKS...)

Well, shit.  Not the most successful year in terms of these goals, but whatever, the two-ish that I did accomplish were good ones.  Here's my 2015 goals:

1.  Stop looking at my phone before bed.
2.  Live alone.
3.  Get a job.
4.  Travel to another country (South America???).
5.  Volunteer for a writing non-profit.
6.  Get back into yoga. 
7.  Move to a different U.S. city.

Super, there ya have it. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS!!!

Lost bird...

Oh my goodness, how lost am I?

Do I want to do grad school? Work part time? Full time? And in what field?

Shall I pursue relationships or just give them a toss?

Should I live in Iowa? Denver? Chicago? New York? Austin? Or say to hell with it and teach abroad? Thailand? South America? Or should I do that work visa in Australia for a year?

What is living? Somewhere between stability and reckless abandon I've found, but after months and months of tasting this or that without any sort of plan, I'm going a bit mad. I want to pursue everything and nothing all at once.

OOF.  

Job search

Okay, so I've kind of been the queen of complaining lately. 
-Life is so hard
-I miss traveling
-Why is it so difficult to update my resume and find a job?
-Why are my parents such insensitive you-know-whats?
-Why are grad school applications sucking my life away?
-Waaaahhhhhhhhhh, I mean, seriously, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.

BUT--I'm getting into the groove of things with this job search business, and though I may totally hate my life again tomorrow, I'm kind of getting excited about everything!  I have so many areas of interest and so many random professional proficiencies from my odd-ball working life that the job search is as open as my imagination will take me.  I'm looking at positions at writing centers, news and radio stations, college test-prep centers, publishing houses, magazines, travel agencies and start-ups, and everywhere in between. 

As much as I hate the clerical bore of updating my resume and CV, it's given me a lift from the post-travel blues that have plagued my life for a month-ish.  So, yeah!  Super!  On to the next adventure!
 

My goal is to...

Live a life of...
Positivity
Authenticity
Creativity
Passion
and
Gratitude

Okay, sorry if I sound like a hippy, but this is just a good reminder for me.

Post-everything...

Post graduation, move from Denver, trip to Europe, and car crash upon my return to Iowa, I've noticed some stuff about America and myself.  Here's what I've noticed and what I've been up to:

-In Europe, I got so used to people only speaking English to me that upon my return, I thought people around me, talking on their cell phones or to their friends, were always addressing me.  So, of course, I'd become startled at the things they would say.  One construction worker in Denver said "You're so lazy!" to his friend and I just turned around and stared, wondering how I could deserve such a scolding from a stranger, only to realize that people speak English to other people aside from me here.
-Speaking of English, mine is just terrible.  After months of listening to other languages and using more simplified English in attempts at being understood, my own English vocab is shot.  I'm just not as articulate or eloquent anymore and formulating a well written thought at the level I used to takes ages.  Blarg!
-Personal space.  I have personal space!
-I've been indulging in the news.  I read the local Iowa City newspaper, the bing newspaper that's on my computer, yahoo (regular and celeb), along with a stupid amount of articles posted by friends on facebook.  I just can't get enough, it's like candy.
-I've also been reading loads of magazines.  Entertainment Weekly, Harpers Bazaar, Esquire, Cosmo, gimme gimme gimme.  Also candy.
-I'm a sleep machine and I don't even care.
-I've been taking my time at everything and am only forcing myself to get one thing accomplished each day.  An accomplishment could be any number of small achievements.  Hang out with a friend, get my teeth cleaned, go climbing, send neglected thank you notes, binge on the Kardashian's, e-mail prospective grad school programs, transfer photos.  The list goes on and on.  But I'm trying to keep things manageable so as not to totally flip my lid about being unemployed, broke, and without any sort of concrete direction.
-America rules.  We've got our shit, that is for sure.  But I'm convinced that we are the most diverse and uniquely complex country in the whole world and our mess, our struggle to get along between race/class/you name it is an absolute privilege.  I love complaining about this country.  I will always complain and expect better of this country, but every time I travel I become more and more thankful for the USA.
-We can die at anytime.  Sorry for the quick shift, but....I could have died on I-80 a couple of weeks ago if everything didn't go as they did that night.  I could have been all the way dead.  Gone.  And that would have been that.  The day after the accident, I sprawled out in the grass of my childhood home and just looked up at the sky.  The sun warmed my face and the grass cooled my back and I just lied there with the grass and thought about being alive.  I came to no grand conclusions, but I've felt different ever since.

Okay, well, that was one helluva random list.  But that is the way of my brain as of late, and I thought I may as well chronicle maybe the biggest transition of mah liiiiife!  The world is my oyster, our oyster!  Let's hang out, friends!

Fragmented...

I went ahead and published my last post unfinished because whatever, I just can't keep my shit together in terms of chronicling this epic journey.  I started with one journal, and then I began keeping another for a poetry project, which also turned into a personal journal, and then for a while I was using the notepad on my phone for on the go entries, and this blog every once and again, along with a notepad program on my computer and various e-mails to my family which often read more like diary entries.  So, my shit is clearly scattered. I always feel the need to chronicle but in an organized fashion?  Not gonna happen in this life.

Things have been good here.  I'm very tired, but I know that the moment I leave Europe I will miss many things I've gotten used to and either come to love or become frustrated with abroad.  Three months is a long time to be away from home, I can attest to that, but each segment of my trip has brought new surprises and various reasons to carry on.

I'm having a relaxed day in today.  Chocolat, my tri-colored guinea pig roommate, nibbles his lettuce sprigs with increasing vigor, all while squeal-snorting, a sort of purr which I've come to realize signals a sense of deep satisfaction.  The cat, Kiara, stares a me from her post.  The apartment is silent, Sylvain and Pauline are off running errands, but I do hear waves of traffic from the main street outside. 

I woke up late this morning and walked to the corner bakery which makes the best croissant and pan chocolat.  I bought trois of each and cradled the bag as I walked back.  Precious cargo, for sure.  The plan for today is to mail a letter, take a shower, do some yoga, and catch a movie with friends a while later.

I've loved the feeling of normalcy I've found in Saint-Etienne and will always be grateful for my extended time here.  I've been to a wedding reception (in costume!), climbed, cleaned the kitchen, done laundry, completed a via ferrata, hiked around the French country side, attended bbqs and pool parties, visited the contemporary art museum, grocery shopped, eaten the most incredible French food, spent the day at a nice pool spa, made a weekend trip to Lyon, and experienced countless other small enjoyments that can't come close to being labeled or quantified.

The past couple days have brought the beginning of falling leaves and crisp afternoon walks.  I feel autumn creeping in and I really can't believe that I left the USA an entire season ago.  When I left, Denver was still struggling with "should I be hot or cold today?" and I know I will be surprised to come home to a season other than summer.  Time doesn't stop when you leave the country? 

I will be more than thankful to return to the USA.  I am comfortable there for multiple reasons, especially the ease of communication, but I will mostly be thankful to return with a renewed appreciation for the diversity and complexity of such a unique place.  Oh, yeah, and I'll get to see my FAMILY AND FRANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't know how to end this ramble so blah.  Here it ends.

If you don't have instagram and would like to peak at my photos from my past three months in seven countries, here's the link:
http://instagram.com/winnowingwind

Saint-Etienne, France...

France.  What can I say about Saint-Etienne, France.  I haven't been doing very many touristy things.  Many of my days have been spent watching movies, cleaning the apartment, and preparing good French meals with my host, Sylvain, and his girlfriend, Pauline.  We chat and work on our laptops, read books, sift through magazines, sing songs, play with the cat, or watch the guinea pig freak out over the lettuce leaves we sometimes share with him.  We've been out to fancy and not-so-fancy restaurants, climbed at a nearby crag, attended a football game (GO GREENS!), travelled to a nearby city to climb a plugged volcano (!!!), and most recently danced the night away at a costume party for Sylvain's brother's wedding reception.  After two months of intense travel, being in Saint-Etienne is more than a relief: I feel like home here.

There's something fantastic about cultivating friendships and staying with friends abroad.  Unlike most hostel or hotel experiences, staying with a friend ensures both an intimacy with

The not so great parts of travel...

I've been receiving the nicest, most supportive comments lately from friends and family about my trip in Europe.  I always appreciate the comments, as they brighten my day, and give me a chance to reflect on my trip thus far.  I've gotten a few of the "I'm so jealous!" comments today, and in honor of these, I figured I had to post about the not so great parts of travel.

I most regularly post pictures and comments to Instagram, because it seems like the easiest and quickest way to chronicle the journey.  As with all social media, though, it doesn't fully represent my experience.  I post photos that inspire me or express some sort of weird fact of life about the place I'm staying.  Lot's of cool buildings, monuments, art, and especially tourists or locals taking in the scene.  The occasional outfit post or selfie also inevitably make the cut.  What I don't post, however, are all the shitty travel quirks that pop up unexpectedly and just can't be captured in a photo.  I don't post about being lonely or homesick, or wanting to death throttle all the other tourists when I'm feeling a bout of travel rage.  I don't post about feeling guilty when I'm not constantly happy or thankful for the experiences before me, because jeez what a freakin' bummer!  No one wants to read or see that!  But it happens, man, it definitely happens.

Let's make a quick list of some of the less appealing parts of travel:
1.  Making travel plans.  Some people find this part super fun and invigorating--researching for hours and booking hostels or compiling the dopest itineraries, but this part drives me mad.  I swear, if I didn't book the first big ticket to another country, I wouldn't travel around at all.  The in betweens of travel--booking carpools, buses or trains, and then sorting out a hostel situation, and then researching the city and what should be done in and around the city--this is the part that takes me forever.  I'm always the last minute traveler and I miss out on a lot of good deals and prime lodging locations because of this, but the idea of planning is sometimes so unappealing that I don't care how last minute plans get.
2.  Making mistakes and losing money in the process.  On this Europe trip, I flew into London and had one full day there.  Because I was running behind, I booked a last minute airbnb that seemed close to the city center to me, but was actually a large distance away.  Long story short, I spent LOADS of money on a taxi to get to my location, only to spend one night in a super shitty house/room and I didn't even get to explore London's city center before I had to catch my flight to Amsterdam the next day.  Another epic London fail:  I took the wrong series of trains to get to the airport and ended up missing my flight.  It was really and truly the worst way to start the trip.  I was distraught as I was out eighty pounds, but I just had to grit my teeth and buy a new flight.
3.  Being tired from travel and not feeling as productive as I could or should be.  I often feel guilty if I'm too tired or hungover to fully engage with the city I'm staying.  Whenever I'm not fully appreciative or feeling sorry for myself, I get to feeling super guilty about it.  Even so, I've gotten better at accepting these moments and looking at this trip with a long term lens instead of just boom, boom, boom, tourist sightseeing machine.
4.  Hauling luggage.  AHHHHH I hate my luggage.  I hate carrying it.  I hate what I've packed.  I hate unpacking and repacking once a week and thinking about the way to best distribute the weight of my pack.  I just want to burn all of it and travel with a small satchel and never lug around anything heavy again.  I've already sent 5kg worth of stuff home and I'm still getting rid of as many things as possible.  I always tell myself I'm going to pack lighter, and I do, but even a backpack and small suitcase seems like too much now.  I again have to think about my travels in the long term and not be too hard on myself.
5.  Feeling lonely (single tear).  While traveling alone is usually a completely invigorating and empowering experience, I do go through bouts of loneliness.  I miss talking to my parents on the phone and hanging around with my brothers, and I often wish that I had a companion (friend or lovah!) to share certain moments with.  Like, "hey baby, let's get us some gelato and take a walk on this ancient bridge while these pink streaks of sunset rest upon house after house of stacked stuccoed rooftops all while we contemplate history, art, beauty, nature, mankind, THE WORLD!"  You get the idea.  I love making friends with the locals and hostel bums alike, but it would also be nice to (sometimes) share the experience with a significant person in my life.

I'm gonna keep the list at five to keep from sounding like a whiny baby.  I won't tell you the full story about my most recent full day of travel which ended with four cracked open eggs all over the inside of my new leather bag.  Goop galore for the delirious and wearied.  I'll save the part about dragging my roller luggage across cobblestone streets at 10pm at night--truly the most abrasive clacking noise I've ever heard, a machine gun of clacks, no way to mask it, slow or fast--all while onlookers gaped, following my path as I walked in circles in search of my hostel.  I'll save these and other travel woes because shit happens, things don't always go as planned, and hey, it's all a part of the journey, man!

Phew!  Did that give you anxiety like it did me!?  These photos are just the tip of the iceberg, my friends.  Oh well.  Here's to the good and the bad!

Berlin!

When you get back from a day of walking around in Berlin in the summer, your skin feels sticky to the touch.  The bottoms of your feet are blackened and a shiny film coats your face.  The edges of your fingernails have seen cleaner days and your hair lies limp, lifeless.  But your cheeks have a rosy balm to them and your body aches so good that you collapse into your brick hard bed feeling like you've never laid in such luxury as this.  After walking strasse after strasse to get from one museum to the next while people watching at each cute café and unique shop, popping in and out of the quirkiest of galleries, you know that Berlin is something special.  Berlin is youth, energy, grunge, rebellion, art, history, east, west, hard, soft, a literal binary, dichotomous but fused into something that just feels cool as all hell.  

When I got my belly-button (re)pierced in Mitte, I was on such a high that I was preparing myself for a radical, half-shave headed haircut and a gold double ringed septum piercing.  I'd wear overalls with the shorts rolled up and some sort of ridiculous platformed shoes, not the high-heeled kind, the flat ones like the 90s that just lift you a few extra inches.  I'd roll my own cigarettes and spray paint with the boys, skateboard, and walk my dog without a leash like everyone else.  The possibilities seemed and still seem endless. 

I've had a tumultuous few days.  I've hardly gotten any sleep and I haven't even been clubbing.  Quick list of things before I actually do fall into my bed for the night.
-Holocaust memorial and information center
-Losing my cell phone and having the nicest ppl help me at the coolest/yummiest vegan spot.
-Mailing 5kg of stuff home.
-The nice Slovenia girls who helped me book a train when I was desperate.
-Reading Anne Frank's diary every night.
-Shopping at Zara and Birkenstock.
-Rewe-I LOVE REWE. (grocery store)
-Thrift shopping at "Made in Berlin."
-Lattes every day at my favorite coffee shop "Karaca" with the Turkish guy at the counter.  I always spent my mornings writing down a list of what I'd done the day before and filling in the places I'd walked on my Berlin map.
-Hearing "Let it be" played by some kid at the Berlin Dom and getting all wheepy about Americaa.  Gave him some coins because why the hell not.
-The crazy amount of galleries on Augustrasse.
-The freaky dark piercing place with the super chipper lady who ended up giving me a deal and telling me that I must be tough because Americans are tough.
-Construction EVERYWHERE.  Graffiti everywhere.
-The coolest people.  Grungy but polished.  Berlin was different from Cologne.  I need to write an entire post on the clothing, but where Cologne was relaxed, earthy, loose fitted, but put-together, Berlin was somehow more edgy.  Walking graffiti.  Tattoos, piercings, still loose fitting, but with a certain kind of swagger, a certain level of toughness.
-The same, maybe could be said about distinctions in personalities between Cologne and Berlin people.  I don't have much to compare since I was staying with the best group of folks in Cologne but the Berlin people just seem a little more...standoffish? or really, just more tough, thick skinned, bold, brash.  And Cologne people are some of the most mellow and chilled out people I know.  Aaanyway, the general attitudes of both were definitely reflected in their dress.
-So many museums, galleries and memorials.  Bode museums (a bunch of statues that really just bored me to tears), Hamburger Banhof, a giant old train station converted into a contemporary art museum, 
-THE BERLIN WALL.  Enlightening.  I had no idea that the damn thing stayed put for 41 years.  German history in general is just.  A lot.
-Getting lost in a cemetery.
-Finding an American expat at the outdoor store and coveting her life.
-Getting mixed up on the subway.  Not paying for any of the subway fares and almost getting caught by the neon-vested subway police who give out forty euro fines left and right.  I slipped out the moment they were about to ask for my fare and then skip-jogged the distance of another stop home not believing my luck.

I don't even know.  There's so many things.  For most days, I would walk around for 6-8 hours of the day because I'm stubborn and I like walking.  My feet are dead, but I feel refreshed and ready for the next city.  I feel lucky that I've left each city so far knowing that I will return.  Each brings its own special flavor and Berlin just might be a future home.  I'll cross my fingers.

We Won.

We won.  I have a twisted ankle, bruises all over my body, and perhaps the fiercest hangover of my life, but god damnit, we won.  Last night, Germany won the World Cup final in a nail biter of a match against Argentina. 

It seems sort of weird and dumb for an American girl who doesn't follow football to care about this World Cup final, but let me tell you, it was everything.  I came to Europe knowing I would be swept up in the football madness, but I really had no idea what I was getting into.  Watching game after game after game, asking a million questions about the teams and the rivalries and the rules, and just letting myself get consumed by the madness were all just the preparation for watching the final game in Germany.

The moment that Germany scored the only goal of the match was unlike any other.  I was on the inside of a firework and I had no idea what was up, down, sideways--it was just.  It was just the most amazing moment.  I jumped up from my chair with the room full of Germans and was consumed by man hugs from every corner.  I was embraced, stepped on, swung about--at one point, a group of the huggers and me toppled sideways on a bed, and all I could feel from that point on was German bodies flinging and flopping themselves upon me.  It was probably the happiest collective moment I've ever experienced. 

Let me explain why a soccer match could be this momentous.  If you know nothing about soccer, the World Cup is a competition held every four years and just happens to be the most widely viewed sporting event in the world--more than the Olympics, more than the Super Bowl, EVEN more than the Puppy Bowl.  So, I found out right away that this was a big deal.  Maybe the biggest deal.  According to Wikipedia, there have only been 20 World Cup tournaments, and only eight countries have won in all that time, so people literally wait a lifetime to see their country win.  For Germany, their last win was in 1990, so most of the people I watched the game with were six years old at the time.  I just can't imagine watching and waiting for 25 years of my life for my team, my country to win.

In terms of "fandom," football fans take the cake, without a doubt in my mind, and I noted this distinction from the start.  It's more than just a sport to these people; it's a part of their culture, a part of their lifestyle, and it's ingrained in their collective histories.  I know a ton of diehard sports fans back home, but something about football fandom feels deeper.

 I started watching football the moment I got to Europe.  I was in Holland for two weeks or so and watched as many games as possible.  When in Rome, right?  I figured I may as well start watching so I could get to know the teams from the countries where I'd be staying on my trip.  Since I'd planned to stay with Leonie in Germany for the last week of the World Cup, I knew that Germany was the team that needed to win.

 Flash forward a month and I'm drinking beer in the street with a throng of Germans, flags everywhere, soccer balls whizzing past and all the cars honking with passengers hanging out of the windows screaming, cheering, chanting for Germany, high fives and hugs everywhere, bikers whooping and fist pumping past, and me, here I am, in Germany, I kept thinking, I'm here! I'm here! I'm here in Germany!!!!  What are the chances?  What are the odds?  And how lucky can I get to be celebrating with Leonie, Basti, and the most rambunctious group of dudes?

 I will never forget it.

Clumsy...

Yesterday will go down as the clumsiest day of my life.  It started when I was biking down a street in Amsterdam.  I was catching up to some friends, so I was flying pretty good, and all of a sudden my wheels got caught in the gap of the tram tracks which jostled the handle bars so hard that I flung sideways into concrete body rolls as the bike skid beside me.  I smacked my head and everything; it felt like I was in the movies.  I was embarrassed and freaked out by being in the middle of the road, so I snatched up my bike and started riding again, shaken but basically okay. 

So, that was the top of the clumsy list.  But things kept happening all day, and I was amazed at the snowball effect.  At one point, I spilled soft serve ice cream all down the front of my sweater.  At another, I rode up next to a car and sort of just...fell sideways on it until I regained control and just biked away.  When I got back to the house, I went to pick something up in the bathroom and stood up into the porcelain sink.  Like, what!?  And how..!?

Something was in the water.

Life is pretty good in Amsterdam.  I'm staying with my girlfriend, Eva, and I feel pretty normal being here.  I haven't been taking many pictures and haven't felt compelled to write, because a lot of my day-to-day has just been normal life stuff: dishes, cleaning up, grocery shopping, and chilling at cafes with the tiniest coffees in the land.

I try to do "touristy" things every other day or so.  I've been to the Van Gogh, Rijks, and tulip museums, watched a ton of football, and have done more biking than the last 20 yrs of my life combined.  Though yesterday's episode was truly gnarly, I've had the best time biking around here.  I have nothing to compare it to, really, I'm not a biker in the states--but biking here is perfect chaos.  The biking lanes are more prevalent than walking lanes and are paved into almost every road (where the sidewalk would go in the states).  They even have separate red, yellow, and green stop lights (shaped like bikes!) for the bike lanes here.  It's super cute.  I've been using Eva's bike, which has proved challenging as she's about a foot taller than I am, but it's been lovely all the same.

Eva and her friends are getting ready to graduate from Amsterdam University College, so I've also been attending a lot of end of term parties and receptions sponsored by her school.  Free wine, hors d'oeuvres, and mingle time with randoms!

Anyway, if you're reading this, hugs from Amsterdam.  I'll try to update again soon.

Holy mother...

I'm sitting at my dad's house in Iowa City and have just now realized how foreign and strange I feel to be sitting here all alone.

The past few weeks have been intense.  All the way intense.

It started a couple months ago when I made the decision to leave my home of 5 years, Denver, to embark on an adventure of unknowns.  I don't think I realized then how wild the ride would be from then to now.  Let's make a list of the big things that've gone down:

1.  Graduated college.
2.  Quit the best job I've ever had.
3.  Started researching MFA programs.
4.  Attended my bff's wedding ceremony in Iowa and had the most wild three days of life.
5.  Moved my stuff out of my favorite room (in Denvah) I've ever had.
6.  Said goodbye to my coworkers, Kelsey, Ashley, Swathi, the Mexico 4, Spencer, the Denver music scene including three former roommates, my brothers, my sis-in-law, Kirk, Rhythm and Autumn, my favorite yoga instructor and studio, Jeremiah's parents, my doggies, Sherman (my horse), and Jeremiah.  Each grouping entailed its own separate goodbye and I ugly cried at most of them.  And those were just the folks I was lucky enough to see before departure!!!
7.  Said farewell to my parents.
8.  Waved goodbye to my country.  AMERICAAAAHHHHH.  (This will happen on June 15th).

I'm sure there has been a lot of other stuff.  Lot's of little things.  At one point, I remember lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling like a wrung-out rag, just beyond physical and emotional exhaustion.

And now, here I sit, alone in the quite of my childhood home.  I have an infinite amount of things to do before I leave: find a place to stay for my first couple nights in London, pack, gather little care packages for some friends abroad, unpack my car of the last of my Denver belongings, print plane tickets.........................etc.  I will get to these things eventually.  For now, I'm just going to rest my bones and relish in this silence of home.

An article to remember...

http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/admitted-children-sex-primarily-pleasure-81691/?utm_content=buffer0eae4&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Life things/Good things...

TODAY HAS BEEN THE BEST DAY!!!!!!!  I've been juggling a lot of balls (yeah, yeah, I know) lately.  LOTS OF BALLS.  And I just must write a post, so I won't forget about the madness.
Get ready for a list because those are just the best of all things.

Again, the balls I've been juggling:
1.   Planning a reunion for my Thailand girls.  Ten girls survived two weeks together in close quarters in Thailand and most of us are now graduating and/or taking trips far away from Denver.  It's been a struggle to find a day that will work for all of us, but I know it will be worth it to get together one last time.
2.  Getting ready to graduate.  Yeah, I keep forgetting all about it.  May 17th.  Should be fun.
3.  Finishing up all of my Writing Center duties.  After the conference, things have slowed down a bit, but today I organized our file cabinets at one of our locations and it was wonderfully cathartic.
4.  Helping Jeremiah prepare his house to sell.  The two of us have been through a lot in that house, so it only feels right to be there when it sells.  Lots and lots of cleaning and dust and organizing and throwing away and setting the scene will be happening in the next two weeks.
5.  Moving out by June 1st, WHAT!?  This is my most ambitious goal at the moment.  Packing up all of my own ish???  If you know me and my penchant for accumulating good, you know this will be practically impossible.  We'll see how it goes!
6.  Planning a trip to EUROPE HEYOOOOO!!  London, Amsterdam, France, and Germany.  Maybe Ireland?  Maybe Spain?  Idk!  I can't wait to see you, Europe, and I especially can't wait to see my lovely frands who live there.
7.  Prepping a portfolio for an MFA program, somewhere, sometime.  This one isn't as pressing, but is equally as exciting as all of the rest put together!  Super stoked.
8.  Thinking of moving somewhere new.  Like, MAYBE CHICAGO OR ASIA.  The world is my oyster, but Chicago has my heart at the moment.

I know there are more things happening, but that is all I'll share for now. 

HAPPY...

Fun things:
1. Today was a great day.  Firstly, a poem I worked pretty hard at was well received in my writing course.  Secondly, my fav yoga teacher gave me a super genuine compliment on my yoga practice.  Both of these things made my day and meant a great deal to me.
2.  I recently had a visitor in Denver and was able to show him around many of my favorite places.  It was a great day of feeling like a tourist in my own city.  We went to Great Divide Brewery, Illegal Pete's, Kinga's, The Thinman, The Squire, Jelly, and a Marijuana dispensary called  iVita Wellness.  Super fun!
3.  The Oscars were totally weird but it meant so much to me to watch them and geek out to all the pretty dresses and my favorite movie stars.  There's nothing like the movies.
4.  I'M GOING TO THE MILEY CYRUS CONCERT TOMORROW WITH MY GIRL KELSEY!!!!  It's gonna be totally weird and awesome and creepy and fabulous.
5.  I just planned a last minute trip to CHICAGO for spring break.  Hi, I'm excited!!!!
6.  I recently hung up my Thailand maps in my room and it's feeling so much more like home.  HOMEEEE.

I've been in such a slump since coming back from Thailand that I'm trying to get stoked on little things in life.  I'm about to pay a couple parking tickets and man will I feel accomplished after that!!! WHOOOOOOO!

That one time guy from Thailand helped me solve all of my Denver problems...

This little ditty is about a weird dude in Thailand who taught me how to be a good person with one socially awkward exchange with his friend while we were sitting around at a climbing crag shooting the shit like we would on any other normal day relaxing with climbing buds and then all of a sudden I hear:

"Dude, you've been pissing me off for the past couple days."  Lots of hurrumphs and grunts and man noises commenced, but from what I heard, socially awkward guy number one was telling dude number two: "Listen man, I've had a good time while we've traveled together.  But.  I don't need to be associated with you anymore.  I'm done being your friend and from this point on, I'm done traveling with you."  If I were at home watching the Real Housewives of Orange County, eating popcorn with my sweatpants and greasy tank top, my reaction would've been, "OOOOOHHHHH SNAAAPPP FOTHAAA MUCKAAAAAA" [fist-full of popcorn stuffed in my face].

But there I was, in real life, in real time, witness to the most brutally honest encounter I'd ever seen.

Let me give you a play-by-play of my emotional reaction (in my head!):
-"That was crraazyy brutal!"
-"I can't believe he did that in ear shot of everyone!"
-"That seemed pretty inappropriate!"
-"But wait."
-"That was amazing.  And perfect.  And brilliant.  And life's way too short not to be brutal.  This guy just gave me the secret code/answer to the universe.  WHAT."

I mean, that's a short list of the things I felt.  I went from being horrified and embarrassed for awkward guy number one to thinking that he was the absolute most brilliant person on earth.

Let's flash forward to life in Denver.  Without getting toooooo personal, I recently was involved in a situation with another person that made me crazy uncomfortable.  Lots of emotions, lots of weird, lots of indecision and turmoil over what to do and who to talk to and a;sdlfkas;dfj;aoiupqer.  I guess it's just tough to talk about stuff with a person when that stuff will most likely make that person (and me!) feel weird and uncomfortable.  And I loath making anyone (and me!) feel the weirds in any way shape or form.  But my gut told me that I just had to embody the power of awkward guy number one from Thailand.  Life's too short to not to talk to people about how you feel.  So.  I was straightforward; I was honest; and most significantly, I was immediately relieved.  Any weirdness, insecurity, and emotional turmoil on my end vanished in a snap.  AND WOW IT WAS JUST SO NEAT HOW THINGS WORKED OUT!!!!!!!

So, anywhoo.  I guess this is my weird way of thanking awkward guy number one from Thailand.  He really did teach me a lot when he stone cold, cold shoulder, ice cold, cold as Christmas, shut down the shit outta dude number two.

A few quick notes on Thailand...

I'm sitting in a jungle bungalow with a thatched roof made of mangrove leaves.  The behind the bar boombox is blasting shitty American pop music circa 2001? 2002? Whenever Avril Lavigne and Evinescence had their heyday.  That's where Thailand is stuck.  But it's not so bad.  I know all the words, afterall.  The breeze from the window is refreshingly chilling and though I have a list a mile long (book flights from Phuket to Chiang Mai and back to Bangkok, figure out how to find the Khao Sok bus station, read ahead for the classes I'm missing this week and next, sync photos, etc), it feels good to finally feel like I can take a moment to sit and reflect.  I'm not even three weeks in and I feel like I've been here for a year.  Since I'm beyond writing a coherent or sensical series of paragraphs, I'm gonna go ahead and write a list of random stuff I've noticed about Thailand or myself or whatever comes up, really.  Punctuation will be as willy-nilly as something willy-nilly and metaphors will be as loosy-goosy as that last one.  My brain is fried in the best way and writing anything down at this point feels like...ummm, yeah, metaphors just aren't going to happen.  Here's the list of random:

-Thailand transportation is crazy in every way.  People don't wear seatbelts.  Cars pass each other in no pass zones, weaving between motor bikes, portable foodcarts, and women and children walking their bikes in the shoulder of the highway.  A taxi can be a tuk tuk or the back of a pick up truck.  I've taken tractors, motorbikes, vans, buses.  And that's not even counting the boats.  Longboats, speed boats, boats whose names I don't know.  I mean, really, anything that has a motor has carted me around this crazy country at a slow gurgle or at the speed where you find yourself clutching your armrests, white-knuckled, imagining with vivid detail your body being flung from the vehicle upon smashing into the approaching weave and speed crazed tour buses.  I will say, though, I got used to the crazy transport system pretty quick.  I trust the drivers here.  Not because I'm cool as a cucumber, but because I've had no choice but to let go of the fear and just trust.  It's a good feeling.

-I'm thankful to have seen a lot of different sides of Thailand thus far.  Staying in Thai villages in the Thai people's homes, talking to Tsunami victims, learning to make the very roof I'm sitting under, using a hatchet to chop through two layers of coconut in order to make a traditional Thai desert, getting lost, getting swindled left and right, attempting to barter, getting laughed at in the nicest of ways, getting Thai massages, hiking through the jungle, seeing a myriad of beaches, snorkeling with a school of striped fish, sleeping at an ecolodge and waking up to ants crawling all over me, eating the most incredible and unique food, eating a bug the size of my thumb (crunchy on the outside and then a squirt of sour salty gooze surrounding my tongue and teeth--immediate vomit reflex), "feeding" the monks, checking out ginormous golden Buddha statues, I mean.... I don't even know.  There has been so much.  I've been Instagraming like crazy in an attempt to capture the whirlwind of my experience. There are not enough words to explain the feeling that I have in seeing and doing so many new things at once.  I'm the girl who takes time to pause and reflect, analyze and ponder, ruminate and contemplate.  With literally no time in the world to do so, I'm dazed, confused, blind and blissful, soaking up as much as is possible, and finding a way to be okay with the pace of mad-dash travel.  I could go on and on, but anyway...

-Hey Sonja, what food do you miss the most in Thailand?  PEANUT BUTTER WITHOUT A DOUBT IN THIS WORLD.  Yeah, so so much.  What about other stuff?  I miss music, maybe the most.  I don't have anything on my phone and am too cheap or stubborn to buy it on iTunes when I have the files back home.  Spotify and Pandora are banned here....along with youtube videos.  I can't upload music files from dropbox.  When I searched for the New Pornographers (it's a band, for any family reading--ha!), I found out that any porn activity is strictly banned which is insanely ironic considering how much sex tourism I've seen in Thailand.  Anyway.  What else do I miss?  My dogs.  Clean laundry.  A consistent sleeping space.  Wifi.  Warm showers (though, I've become quite skilled at the cold shower).  Normal flushing toilets.  I don't know, I miss all kinds of stuff but have thankfully been so busy, I haven't noticed much.  But, peanut butter.  I will have a sweet and sultry peanut butter affair upon my return.

-Here's a word of advice to the ladies out there and TMI for any men, family, co-workers, hm, maybe I shouldn't divulge, but---Never, and I mean never, get a back-alley Brazilian in Bangkok.  What seemed like a sort of okay, albeit sketchy deal at the time was just not up to snuff.  I'll write a short story about it one of these days.  Great pain breeds great art, am I right?

-Other things: Studying abroad with ten women is kind of a lot.  Like, A LOT.  Overall, things were great.  But shit hit the fan towards the end and while it was pretty entertaining to watch, all of us girls will probably have some war wounds in the end.  Luckily, what happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok and my lips are sealed regarding that hotmess of a tornado trainwreck, if ya know what I mean.

-The hotel bar I'm sitting at has just turned off all the lights and I'm stupid tired anyway.  I'll try to post more when I can.  I might post my pictures or I might just keep them stowed away on Instagram.  If you're interested, my username is SONINJASTAD. 

-Sending a 'wai' from Thailand.