Update 2017

I'm looking at my last blog post and I didn't write any New Years Resolutions last year, only an update! I'm sure I wrote them somewhere else, but without them here, I don't have the standard reflection on whether I "achieved" anything or not. Either way, here is an update on all that went well and also not so well in 2017.

I moved to Argentina.

Obviously this took a huge amount of adjustment, focus, and determination. Setting up new business relationships, chasing after as many different jobs as possible, fighting for fair wages, realizing that Argentina is a whole different animal, and in effect, moved into an entirely different social class. Changing my diet, completely losing an exercise routine, learning to live in a smaller space, learning to live with a person from a very different culture.

The main feeling that persists but also remains exciting is one of being in an upside down world. Maybe not upside down. Essentially everything I had in the United States exists in some form in Argentina. But all of my senses have gone through an adjustment period because everything is just slightly off. I could write for my entire life about this feeling. But for now, I will just write a little about what I accomplished, where I traveled, and what I would like to do in this next year.

The year started with intensive Spanish classes with Cintia y Clau. I took the classes with Lizzie and soon found that I 1. was not quite advanced enough to be in her class and 2. was running out of money at a rapid rate. I loved the classes but had to quit after about 3 weeks. From there, I started working at the same institute but in the English department for our summer session. I had a beautiful class and had so much fun. My two Mario's, the university student who looks exactly like Messi and a friend, Jorge. This was the introduction to my not really know the English language as well as I thought. Fiona and I shadowed Steph, but I realized I had a long way to go to feel fully in command of the topic at hand.

Either way, I did my best, and we had a great summer session. I may have started some yoga at this point. I know I played soccer a couple times until I eventually hurt my ankle. The early months are a bit of a blur. I was very shy and defeated after I stopped taking Spanish classes because I didn't know how to continue with my development in the way that I wanted. I started searching for other jobs and found one for business English and one in a photography school. This created some scheduling conflicts but eventually got sorted and I moved into a new routine.

The beginning of the school session started in March and from the jump, I had a conversation class Monday night, Pre-inter right after. Tues/Thurs was a private with Gus and then a half hour break and then upper intermediate. Right away I struggled with my upper and loved my pre class. The learning curve was steep and I was flying by the seat of my pants. At this point I was still walking to all of my classes. The business classes were at Rofex and Soteica in Puerto Norte. I eventually quit the Rofex class as it didn't jive with my schedule.

We lived on Mendoza y Rodriguez entre Callao. I will never forget saying that but maybe I will. I walked on Blvd Orono a lot more then. I eventually became more comfortable going to my vegetable store and the Salumeria across the street. During the early times, I did not like to hang out with Lucas's friends because I always felt like the stupid one and struggled to put myself out there. Even the girl across the street at the Salumeria. She was kind to me and told me to come over anytime, but I didn't because I was ashamed. Because I never had a deadline or date of departure, I just figured I would eventually get used to things in Argentina and allowed myself to be painfully shy and anti-social. I got a massage with Marile at around the 3 or 4 month mark -- I had met her because I hurt my ankle and she helped me. Lucas bought me that massage for my birthday I think. It was very emotional but afterwards, Lucas was kind to me and I stayed hopeful.

During this time, we were kayaking a bit. One trip in particular I remember taking with Javi. Lucas introduced me to his business partner Oscar, who has never seemed to like me, to this day, really. We did not see his family a lot but his sister in law and cousin Ana Clara were very kind to me and always reached out. Ana Clara liked to practice English and I would grow frustrated at wanting to improve my English. I isolated myself a bit.

At the end of summer party for EinR I met Junia, a Brazilian who was more advanced in speaking than me, but who instantly reminded me of Kelsey and made me feel like I had a friend. I didn't end up hanging out with Junia as consistently as I thought I would but through Junia, I started hanging out with my original Spanish teacher Cintia, and we became fast friends from there. Cintia would become my strong hold. My rock in Argentina.

At one point, I met Noe. This must have been at Corrie's birthday party out in Funes. Mike and her were still at a point where they were "comfortable" hanging out after their breakup and on the drive home, we got to talking about tango. I became extremely excited about the idea of trying it out. And she later invited me to go. I would later fall in love with tango, attend a ton of Monday night classes, but later lose steam as I was a bit creeped out by some of the boys but more significantly, probably felt ashamed or like I wasn't learning fast enough. Sometimes, one needs a break from feeling like THE idiot all the time. Either way, Noe and I were kindred spirit and reconnected later in the year.

Perhaps halfway through the year, I started teaching morning classes with Min Soo and Mariano. This led me to start going over to Lucas's uncle's house, Tio Ernesto, to talk about literature and writing and whatever we could find in common that I could comprehend in Spanish. Also kindred spirits, we seemed to just have a deeper understanding then most people. Though our lunch dates stopped after awhile, the connection remains.

From there, I met Shubi, a Mongolian contortionist who had taken classes with Cintia. She asked Cintia if she knew someone who could give private English classes and I became her teacher. She started coming over to my house and I started teaching her from there. From the very beginning.

I just realized I'm missing a couple jobs. When I first arrived, I also arranged to babysit for a family who wanted their kid to learn English. Georgina and Rafi and the grandmother was always there. I did not like the situation and eventually moved on.

The other job was a connection through Junia. A Brazilian who wanted private English classes. I would go to her house, Vivi, and her little dog would yip and turn. They lived closer to the river. She eventually failed her medical test. Later dropped out because she got pregnant and I believe returned to Brazil.

Anyway, back to the Shubi era. The English classes for Shubi eventually stopped as we started a Spanish classes at UNR - Facultad de Humanidades. The greatest class of all time with profe Natatlia that eventually led to a wonderful friendship and intercambio with Natatlia. The greatest and kindest person I have maybe ever known. She is pure, and Argentine, and full of adventure.

This is getting to the point of 8 or 9 months. Maybe even more. By this time, we were starting the process to move. A month before hand was very bad as the stress was intense and communication poor. I was also extremely sad to leave the first apartment. We eventually moved to Zeballos entre Mitre y Entre Rios.

At some point, I went to Texas for my brother's graduation. This was my 6 month passport refresh. By this time, I had given up on yoga after trying from many different studios. When I came back from Texas, I pretty much completely quit tango as well.

Fiona left at some point in here and eventually Amanda came around. Eventually became more and more friendly with the EinR staff. Jaqui, Flav especially.

Another thing I haven't mentioned yet is all the trips I took in between. For my birthday trip and three month passport refresh, I went to Buenos Aires and Montevideo, Uruguay with my friend Ashley who was one of the first to come down to see me. This was a wonderful feeling for me because I felt much more capable than I had during my entire time so far in Argentina. I had to take care of Ashley in a way and felt freer to chat and utilize the skills I'd learned thus far. We went to the cemetery, book stores, and took the ferry and then bused to the capitol city of Uruguay. People with mate EVERYWHERE in the streets.

I also went to Santa Fe twice last year to visit with Adrian and his family who moved there from Venezuala. Each time was a very transformative experience for me. To feel that family connection and be around kids and asados and people beginning their lives. Their giving spirit despite my limitation in communicating was deeply moving to me. I also was able to feel the difference from the first time I visited to the last. My communication skills improved immensely and it gave me the ability to ask more questions and be a little less shy.

Lucas and I took one trip to Victoria, the most beautiful and tiny town in Entre Rios. The three days we spent there were calm and silly. Time spent golfing on a mini-golf course right on the hotel grounds. Teaching each other card games. Taking kid bikes to ride the hills of the town. We went to the most beautiful church I have ever seen in my life. Rose glow everywhere; I was practically converted on the spot. The drives to and from Victoria were in Lucas's mom's car and she has the best music to listen to Leon someone, and M. Rosa. Listening to this kind of passion, latin music straight from the belly of oppression and looking out at the beautiful landscape of Entre Rios made me beyond thankful for the privilege of this experience.

Lots of Moka and so many laughs with Cintia over the year.

At my 9 month refresh, I just paid a fine to remain in Argentina for an extra 90 days. Somewhere around this time, we were moved into the new place and I was adjusting, taking buses much more but also starting to become a Rosario bicyclist. Perhaps the only one in Rosario who always wears a helmet, I am thankful to have one as the path is intense.

In October, I spent 2-3 weeks in Valparaiso and Vina del Mar in Chile. A beautiful experience and great opportunity to travel outside of the country alone. That trip is beyond words, but I will never forget my time there. When I came back, I had the distinct feeling of: thank god I'm back in Argentina, such a relief to go back to the ease. Since I've never felt that feeling about Argentina, I thought that was really remarkable.

After this time, I started realizing I had less and less time to be with friends until I left for the holiday in the USA. Spring found it's way to Rosario and I crawled out of my sad cocoon and really started to build a relationship with my lovely and patient boss. Very thankful for that one. I just tried to start putting myself out there more in general and all of my relationships improved during this time. Towards the end of the year, I got back into soccer a bit, saw my favorite tango singer sing, had the best intercambio con Natalia, and just had a lot more fun in general.

The year ended the way it started: with an intensive Spanish class with Cintia and Clau. This time, the students were more at my level, two Frenchie's, and the cutest German girl. These kids were about the university age and they were just so bright and quick to learn that I really became re-inspired to teach their specific age. Such life and hope is truly wonderful to be around. It was also just fantastic to be around two great teachers. Cintia and Clau are so different, but both of them teach me how to be a better teacher in the process of teaching Spanish.

I'm trying to think if there were any other significant happenings. I fought with Lucas a lot. Being so close together in the apartment and transitioning from a 100% long distance relationship, compounded by the fact that we both are so hard-headed and particular brought us a year of passionate disagreement. I've never learned so much about myself in a relationship and it's been a great opportunity to get to know someone so deeply. Always room for improvement but we are onto the next year, and I feel pretty darn relaxed about it.

Oh! I forgot about my private lesson with Fani. These lasted about 2 months as I had reached a point of frustration with Spanish and just felt like I needed to make moves. We worked together twice a week and though we eventually stopped, I most enjoyed getting to know Fani in between the lessons.

Subbed for Tuesday morning classes for Steph in Sept. and met three very kind students at Velocity.

Ummmm, for now I think that's it.

So, now I have to decide what I want to achieve/make happen in the new year. These will be very similar to goals from the past but with added emphasis on a couple goals. I always know I'm moving in the right direction, but this year seems like it will be a turning point for me.

1. Bolivia
2. Contact past professors for support
3. Complete grad school apps
4. Colombia
5. Gain residency status in Argentina and teach at the university level
6. Continue soccer and tango
7. Start doing yoga consistently at home
8. Cut my hair really short
9. Make my apartment feel homey
10. Take a Spanish exam

Will update next year.

Update

My goals from last year:

1. Take a completely solo trip abroad. (Not to see a bf😁) Places on the radar: Iceland, Mongolia, Tanzania, Brazil, back to Thailand, back to Paris, back to Amsterdam.
2. Read and write for 10min each day.
3. Master cooking five dishes.
4. Live in a different U.S. city (NYC) and/or abroad.
5. Work in a university or teaching setting.
6. Develop a conversational proficiency in Spanish.
7. Apply to grad school.
8. Continue to volunteer.
9. Make my apartment super cutie but maintain a minimalist lifestyle.

10. Careeeeeeer--continue to figure and try not to stress.

A little update. Based on the goals above, um, no, I failed at life, basically. I did, however, get two new jobs. One at the Denver Art Museum and one at Art Student's League of Denver, two incredibly different non-profits but both of course in the art world. What else have I done this year? I did go to Argentina and I did travel to Chile alone--but only for a couple of days--so I'm not sure if that counts as solo travel! I have been reading more, and I have been writing more in a journal. My insta travel stories were also a nice touch to some of the amazing snaps I've been able to take along the way and gave me a good outlet to write in a more creative way. Overall, this year has been fantastic for lowering my stress level. I settled into the most amazing apartment I could've ever found, and I lived a really easy and simple life. Both of my jobs are within a 10 minute walking or driving distance. I go to the used bookstore down the street almost every day. I pop into my favorite thrift stores next door whenever I feel a surge of fashion inspiration. I run five minutes to candlelit yoga each night. My cooking has not improved a great deal but I'm alive and when I'm feeling fancy, I walk the two minutes to Whole Foods to find something special. My whole life is within walking distance--a sweet Capitol Hill, Denver existence. I furnished my apartment with thrifted and craigslisted finds--the most modern and chic apartment I could've ever dreamed of--somehow I made the somewhat dingy space completely shine, and I'm most proud of this creation. I'm surrounded by beautiful books and beautiful plants gifted by my fav yoga boo who also works at the Botanic Gardens. I've been improving upon my Spanish. I've watched 65 award winning Spanish language films of my goal of 100. I developed some of the best and deepest female friendships of my life. Kelsey, April, Amanda and Ashley completely took care of me and gave me a new perspective on life in Denver. I babysat for the most amazing family, three boys of pure energy who gave me a lift each time. I visited Yellowstone, driving 35 hours in four days by myself. I secured two jobs in Argentina. I applied for more jobs (in Denver) than I ever thought possible, becoming truly proficient at resume and cover letter updates, if not all that "successful." I got really fucking good at yoga, progress like molasses completely sneaking up on me. I visited home for my dearest home friend's baby shower--I touched her belly and felt a real miracle. I went to my high school reunion and had the craziest time and laughed my head off with Michelle, whom I've known since we were babies. I went to my grandpa's funeral and saw all of my cousins and aunt's and uncles--we had the most amazing time being together at my grandparents house. I arranged for my immediate family to ALL visit at the same time in Colorado after two plus years of being apart. 

Anyway, I'm prepping to leave the country now, so everything in life is busy and time is traveling extremely fast. Will write another update when I can.

Sonja

2016 goals and the somehow successful debacle that was last year

Can I make resolutions for the new year when it's only October?? It's just that...I somehow did a decent job with last year's goals (despite feeling like a mess) and I'm already ready for the next round.

This year was huge for me. I came back from three months in Europe and then traveled to Iowa City, Denver, and Austin for a month. I tried to make up my mind about where to live and traveled between Iowa City and Denver something like six times. I lived on my dear friend April's couch intermittently for six plus months and that alone was an experience I could write about for days. I finally settled into a job and found a three month sublease. I moved into a beautiful interim apartment for one month before settling into my first one bedroom apartment this month. Between all this moving business, I traveled to Italy, France and Argentina and hosted Lucas in Chicago and Denver. I volunteered at the Denver Botanic Gardens, the Denver Public Library and Lighthouse Writers Workshop. I TA-ed for my favorite poetry professor. I got promoted at Anthropologie during this time but have also been declined from more 'dream jobs' than I could ever imagine. I restarted my yoga practice and am getting back to being somewhat buff after eating all the donuts in Austria.

My goals for 2016:
1. Take a completely solo trip abroad. (Not to see a bf😁) Places on the radar: Iceland, Mongolia, Tanzania, Brazil, back to Thailand, back to Paris, back to Amsterdam.
2. Read and write for 10min each day.
3. Master cooking five dishes.
4. Live in a different U.S. city (NYC) and/or abroad.
5. Work in a university or teaching setting.
6. Develop a conversational proficiency in Spanish.
7. Apply to grad school.
8. Continue to volunteer.
9. Make my apartment super cutie but maintain a minimalist lifestyle.
10. Careeeeeeer--continue to figure and try not to stress.

YAY GOALS AND LISTS AND FALL!

10 shopping tips for the indecisive or impulsive on a budget...

Some things I've learned in the past couple months of frugal living.

1. If you buy a piece of clothing and don't wear it within 24 hours, you're not inspired enough. Take the item back immediately and have no remorse.
2. Don't ever buy anything that doesn't fit your body in that moment. If it's too big or too small, easy decision, don't buy it and don't regret it.
3. Never buy anything that an old version of yourself would've loved. I recently found the perfect hat for Sonja of two years ago--she would have worn that hat into the ground. But Sonja today doesn't wear hats and because I didn't wear it within 24 hrs, I followed my own advice from tip numero uno. It was painful; that hat was truly beautiful, but it's just not right to buy things and not use them.
4. Conversely, if you're ever at a store, find something, decide to wait, and are still thinking about said item a week later, get your ass back to the store and just buy it and love it forever.
5. If you don't feel like yourself in what you're wearing, take it back or donate it immediately. Whether you're dressed up or dressed down, the most important component of personal style is the "personal" part. Every time I buy something, I ask myself if it's the most "Sonja" thing I've ever worn in my life. If the answer is yes and the price is close to zero dollars, I go for it.
6. A white shirt can work wonders. This tip is really just all about basics. The perfect white tee can work with anything. Jeans, fancy pants, scarves, necklaces, dressed up, dressed down, unlimited silhouettes and guaranteed swagger from being sooo-o-o-ooo comfortable. Which leads me to...
7. Comfort rules all. If your new garment is itchy or digs into your skin at the wrong angle, (however beautiful!), it's not worth it and should be returned immediately. This also goes for any sort of outfit or garment that needs consistent adjustments while wearing. Do you have to constantly tug at the hem, or fix the fit? NO, don't do that to yourself. Life is just too fucking short, my people.
8. Don't buy fake leather shoes or shitty quality anything. I have a tough time keeping track of where my clothing comes from or if anything is "ethical" to buy anymore, but I have learned how to recognize quality fabrics and leathers, both at the thrift store and in stores. Paying attention to quality and exclusively buying these items ensures that everything you own will last almost forever and you won't end up spending a fortune on stupid things you don't need.
9. Which leads me to...take care of the things you have. Just like with your hair, you don't need to wash that pair of pants every day you wear them. Just don't and see what happens. Nothing happens, you just wear the pants again and everything is great. Don't throw your clothes in a pile on the ground at the end of the night. Have some respect and appreciation for the beautiful thing you just bought for gods sake. You're lucky to even be able to buy anything at all.
10. If you do choose to buy something, make absolute certain that it is either functional or fills your life with so much joy that you can justify that decision.

Being more intentional with what I buy and don't buy makes me feel like a better and more clear minded person. I still struggle with donating items I don't use. I still struggle with impulse or straight up dumb shopping decisions. But I am doing my best to live more simply without clutter and all the extra baggage of S-T-U-F-F.

BONUS TIP!

GIVE GIFTS!!!! Do you own something that you know someone else would love? Are you not so inspired by said item anymore? Give it away! It feels awesome to give thoughtful gifts and I always feel better knowing a friend is benefiting from my "what were you thinking" pile.

New Years progress

No need to read this folks, I'm just making lists again for my own records. Aside from New Years resolutions, I've made one of those 'Accomplishments Jars' where you just toss in the cool things you've done that year and get all the warm fuzzies at the end of the year instead of being sad for not accomplishing any goals. I'm actually doing alright with my goals though, so I figured I'd log that before the year goes to hell.

1.  Stop looking at my phone before bed. Not yet.
2.  Live alone. Not yet.
3.  Get a job. Yep.
4.  Travel to another country (South America???). I've traveled to Italy and France this year.
5.  Volunteer for a writing non-profit. I've been volunteering at Lighthouse Writer's Workshop in Denver and I love it. I also added the Denver Public Library to the mix this year.
6.  Get back into yoga. I started with a month but now I have to sign up for more. 
7.  Move to a different U.S. city. Not yet.

I wrote those goals down on the blog but my actual goals, written in a different notebook, are as follows:

1. Sleep. Sorted.
2. Skin. I'm trying.
3. Yoga. Started.
4. Job. Sorted.
5. Water. Ongoing effort.
6. Simplify relationships. Sorted.
7. Live in a different city. Not yet.
8. Go abroad. Sorted, but would like to go to a country I've not yet been.
9. Write more. Kinda. I've been writing quick blurbs on my Instagram account about travel experiences and though it's not poetry or journalism, it does feel like a slight accomplishment.
10. Read more books/poetry. Yes. Read Nocturnes by Ishiguro and am currently slugging through 1Q84 by Murikami. Also, Carl Sandburg's Chicago poems and started Boyhood by Coetzee.
11. Live alone. Not yet.

Change...

Change is gonna come.

Funny how life goes....before I had nothing going for me in the U.S.  No job prospects, nothing to do. The help of beautiful friends and family was all that was keeping me alive and motivated.  A $30 month of unlimited yoga didn't hurt those productivity vibes.

But here I am, from zero to two jobs, three volunteers posts, and a shorty trip abroad booked as a reward for getting through these months of fear and doubt as an unemployed person, burnt out and broke from years in school, months of backpacking about Europe, and the months to follow living out of two duffle bags in the U.S., bouncing from home to home  I think my problem was that I was looking for the "right" job.  Something that fit me perfectly.  I've written some of the most beautiful and inspiring cover letters out there.  I've revamped my resume endlessly.  I've searched countless job search websites looking for "it," the perfect job.

But then I got desperate.  No money means no travel, no home of my own, and a cloud of debilitating fear.  And that is just a terrible feeling.  So, I stopped caring so much and just worked every day to send in at least one resume each day to places that inspire me, even just slightly inspire me.  Because who the hell cares at this point?  I'm passionate about a lot of things, and once I can start putting myself into different job situations, I know I'll sort out the dreaded career stuff.  For now, though, my bills need payin' and I gotta get back to a somewhat normal Sonja way of life.

Who knows, maybe the past months have been a kind of normal for me.  I'll always be a bit of a vagabond.  When I showed up to April's place, I was wearing sweatpants, socks and flipflops, and was hauling two duffle bags with a blanket around my neck.  April buckled over laughing, but I think the past year has given me such a variety of living situations that I'm not even phased by the crazy that comes along with it anymore. Liminality is my lifestyle and I may as well buckup and enjoy it while I can get away with it.

Valentines

Jazz, ice cream sandwiches and solitude to ring in this years Valentines Day, a 'holiday' I'm fairly neutral about.  It's rare for me to be alone in the apartment for an extended period of time, but April is galavanting in the mountains and I'm here to hold down the fort and get back into this Denver life. I'd first planned to get the heck out of Denver and stay out, say so long to my problems by running like hell. But the city itself is never the problem and I've been coaxed back by a support system I never fully recognized or appreciated until now.  So, Denver it is for the time being, even if that means my mind is often oceans away, always ready to jump at the chance to see more and live in ways I've always feared.  I can't help but feel that ants in my pants, edge of my seat anticipation of future travel, but I must say, Denver is treatin my right at the moment.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS EEP!

I've been crazy hard on my self lately.  A big ball of self-loathing, if you will.  But the other day I was helping my dad brainstorm for our annual Christmas card and my list of 2014 events forced me to snap out of my months long hate fest.  When it comes down to it, 2014 has been my most eventful and successful year thus far.  However much I loathe myself now, I can't help but agree with this fact.  I started the year with a month in Thailand.  I graduated later that year from CU Denver.  I spent the next three months traveling across Europe to seven different countries (England, Netherlands, Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Spain, France).  The next month was spent visiting Denver, CO and Austin, TX.  And the two months after that were spent in Iowa with my parents, slaving away at grad school apps and torturing myself for not being a more efficient writer.  When I went back to Colorado the next month, I started to find some clarity and positivity.  I was able to spend longer periods of time with my brother and sister-in-law and their cutie lil dog along with mah spirit friend, April and the best gang of folks in Denver.  Anyway, I'm just trying to remind myself that:

--Four months of my year were spent abroad.
--Two additional months were spent living out of two duffle bags.
--Two months were spent in Sonja jail, (my own mind).
--And the rest of the year was spent finishing school.

So, this is all just to say that part of 2015 will be spent mellowing the F out because if my next year is anything like my last year, I'll be totally thrilled.  My 2015 resolutions are super simple.  But first, let me dig up last years goals and laugh at myself for whatever is to follow:

2014 Goals:
1.  Chop off all of my hair by the end of the year.  NOPE LONG HAIR DON'T CARE
2.  Become comfortable hiking alone.  NOPE, BUT TRAVELING ALONE--YES!!
3.  Travel to another country (Not including Thailand). YES!!!!!!
4.  Visit my aunt Pat in Idaho. NO:(
5.  Go skiing at least once more this season and buy a ski pass for next season. NOPE
6.  Get comfortable visiting ski resorts and skiing on my own. NOPE
7.  Find a place where I can live with Alamo (my doggie).  NOPE (the dogs are staying together with their dad, Jeremiah.  Single tear.)
8.  Continue volunteering at the Botanic Gardens.  Begin volunteering at a senior living facility. UGH, NO TO BOTH OF THESE.
9.  Create a bangin' CV. NO, BUT MY RESUME IS LOOKING PRETTY SPICY LATELY.
10.  Graduate college. YES
11.  Apply for an internship in NYC BABAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY. (IN THE WORKS...)

Well, shit.  Not the most successful year in terms of these goals, but whatever, the two-ish that I did accomplish were good ones.  Here's my 2015 goals:

1.  Stop looking at my phone before bed.
2.  Live alone.
3.  Get a job.
4.  Travel to another country (South America???).
5.  Volunteer for a writing non-profit.
6.  Get back into yoga. 
7.  Move to a different U.S. city.

Super, there ya have it. 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS!!!

Lost bird...

Oh my goodness, how lost am I?

Do I want to do grad school? Work part time? Full time? And in what field?

Shall I pursue relationships or just give them a toss?

Should I live in Iowa? Denver? Chicago? New York? Austin? Or say to hell with it and teach abroad? Thailand? South America? Or should I do that work visa in Australia for a year?

What is living? Somewhere between stability and reckless abandon I've found, but after months and months of tasting this or that without any sort of plan, I'm going a bit mad. I want to pursue everything and nothing all at once.

OOF.  

Job search

Okay, so I've kind of been the queen of complaining lately. 
-Life is so hard
-I miss traveling
-Why is it so difficult to update my resume and find a job?
-Why are my parents such insensitive you-know-whats?
-Why are grad school applications sucking my life away?
-Waaaahhhhhhhhhh, I mean, seriously, I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.

BUT--I'm getting into the groove of things with this job search business, and though I may totally hate my life again tomorrow, I'm kind of getting excited about everything!  I have so many areas of interest and so many random professional proficiencies from my odd-ball working life that the job search is as open as my imagination will take me.  I'm looking at positions at writing centers, news and radio stations, college test-prep centers, publishing houses, magazines, travel agencies and start-ups, and everywhere in between. 

As much as I hate the clerical bore of updating my resume and CV, it's given me a lift from the post-travel blues that have plagued my life for a month-ish.  So, yeah!  Super!  On to the next adventure!
 

My goal is to...

Live a life of...
Positivity
Authenticity
Creativity
Passion
and
Gratitude

Okay, sorry if I sound like a hippy, but this is just a good reminder for me.

Post-everything...

Post graduation, move from Denver, trip to Europe, and car crash upon my return to Iowa, I've noticed some stuff about America and myself.  Here's what I've noticed and what I've been up to:

-In Europe, I got so used to people only speaking English to me that upon my return, I thought people around me, talking on their cell phones or to their friends, were always addressing me.  So, of course, I'd become startled at the things they would say.  One construction worker in Denver said "You're so lazy!" to his friend and I just turned around and stared, wondering how I could deserve such a scolding from a stranger, only to realize that people speak English to other people aside from me here.
-Speaking of English, mine is just terrible.  After months of listening to other languages and using more simplified English in attempts at being understood, my own English vocab is shot.  I'm just not as articulate or eloquent anymore and formulating a well written thought at the level I used to takes ages.  Blarg!
-Personal space.  I have personal space!
-I've been indulging in the news.  I read the local Iowa City newspaper, the bing newspaper that's on my computer, yahoo (regular and celeb), along with a stupid amount of articles posted by friends on facebook.  I just can't get enough, it's like candy.
-I've also been reading loads of magazines.  Entertainment Weekly, Harpers Bazaar, Esquire, Cosmo, gimme gimme gimme.  Also candy.
-I'm a sleep machine and I don't even care.
-I've been taking my time at everything and am only forcing myself to get one thing accomplished each day.  An accomplishment could be any number of small achievements.  Hang out with a friend, get my teeth cleaned, go climbing, send neglected thank you notes, binge on the Kardashian's, e-mail prospective grad school programs, transfer photos.  The list goes on and on.  But I'm trying to keep things manageable so as not to totally flip my lid about being unemployed, broke, and without any sort of concrete direction.
-America rules.  We've got our shit, that is for sure.  But I'm convinced that we are the most diverse and uniquely complex country in the whole world and our mess, our struggle to get along between race/class/you name it is an absolute privilege.  I love complaining about this country.  I will always complain and expect better of this country, but every time I travel I become more and more thankful for the USA.
-We can die at anytime.  Sorry for the quick shift, but....I could have died on I-80 a couple of weeks ago if everything didn't go as they did that night.  I could have been all the way dead.  Gone.  And that would have been that.  The day after the accident, I sprawled out in the grass of my childhood home and just looked up at the sky.  The sun warmed my face and the grass cooled my back and I just lied there with the grass and thought about being alive.  I came to no grand conclusions, but I've felt different ever since.

Okay, well, that was one helluva random list.  But that is the way of my brain as of late, and I thought I may as well chronicle maybe the biggest transition of mah liiiiife!  The world is my oyster, our oyster!  Let's hang out, friends!

Fragmented...

I went ahead and published my last post unfinished because whatever, I just can't keep my shit together in terms of chronicling this epic journey.  I started with one journal, and then I began keeping another for a poetry project, which also turned into a personal journal, and then for a while I was using the notepad on my phone for on the go entries, and this blog every once and again, along with a notepad program on my computer and various e-mails to my family which often read more like diary entries.  So, my shit is clearly scattered. I always feel the need to chronicle but in an organized fashion?  Not gonna happen in this life.

Things have been good here.  I'm very tired, but I know that the moment I leave Europe I will miss many things I've gotten used to and either come to love or become frustrated with abroad.  Three months is a long time to be away from home, I can attest to that, but each segment of my trip has brought new surprises and various reasons to carry on.

I'm having a relaxed day in today.  Chocolat, my tri-colored guinea pig roommate, nibbles his lettuce sprigs with increasing vigor, all while squeal-snorting, a sort of purr which I've come to realize signals a sense of deep satisfaction.  The cat, Kiara, stares a me from her post.  The apartment is silent, Sylvain and Pauline are off running errands, but I do hear waves of traffic from the main street outside. 

I woke up late this morning and walked to the corner bakery which makes the best croissant and pan chocolat.  I bought trois of each and cradled the bag as I walked back.  Precious cargo, for sure.  The plan for today is to mail a letter, take a shower, do some yoga, and catch a movie with friends a while later.

I've loved the feeling of normalcy I've found in Saint-Etienne and will always be grateful for my extended time here.  I've been to a wedding reception (in costume!), climbed, cleaned the kitchen, done laundry, completed a via ferrata, hiked around the French country side, attended bbqs and pool parties, visited the contemporary art museum, grocery shopped, eaten the most incredible French food, spent the day at a nice pool spa, made a weekend trip to Lyon, and experienced countless other small enjoyments that can't come close to being labeled or quantified.

The past couple days have brought the beginning of falling leaves and crisp afternoon walks.  I feel autumn creeping in and I really can't believe that I left the USA an entire season ago.  When I left, Denver was still struggling with "should I be hot or cold today?" and I know I will be surprised to come home to a season other than summer.  Time doesn't stop when you leave the country? 

I will be more than thankful to return to the USA.  I am comfortable there for multiple reasons, especially the ease of communication, but I will mostly be thankful to return with a renewed appreciation for the diversity and complexity of such a unique place.  Oh, yeah, and I'll get to see my FAMILY AND FRANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't know how to end this ramble so blah.  Here it ends.

If you don't have instagram and would like to peak at my photos from my past three months in seven countries, here's the link:
http://instagram.com/winnowingwind

Saint-Etienne, France...

France.  What can I say about Saint-Etienne, France.  I haven't been doing very many touristy things.  Many of my days have been spent watching movies, cleaning the apartment, and preparing good French meals with my host, Sylvain, and his girlfriend, Pauline.  We chat and work on our laptops, read books, sift through magazines, sing songs, play with the cat, or watch the guinea pig freak out over the lettuce leaves we sometimes share with him.  We've been out to fancy and not-so-fancy restaurants, climbed at a nearby crag, attended a football game (GO GREENS!), travelled to a nearby city to climb a plugged volcano (!!!), and most recently danced the night away at a costume party for Sylvain's brother's wedding reception.  After two months of intense travel, being in Saint-Etienne is more than a relief: I feel like home here.

There's something fantastic about cultivating friendships and staying with friends abroad.  Unlike most hostel or hotel experiences, staying with a friend ensures both an intimacy with

The not so great parts of travel...

I've been receiving the nicest, most supportive comments lately from friends and family about my trip in Europe.  I always appreciate the comments, as they brighten my day, and give me a chance to reflect on my trip thus far.  I've gotten a few of the "I'm so jealous!" comments today, and in honor of these, I figured I had to post about the not so great parts of travel.

I most regularly post pictures and comments to Instagram, because it seems like the easiest and quickest way to chronicle the journey.  As with all social media, though, it doesn't fully represent my experience.  I post photos that inspire me or express some sort of weird fact of life about the place I'm staying.  Lot's of cool buildings, monuments, art, and especially tourists or locals taking in the scene.  The occasional outfit post or selfie also inevitably make the cut.  What I don't post, however, are all the shitty travel quirks that pop up unexpectedly and just can't be captured in a photo.  I don't post about being lonely or homesick, or wanting to death throttle all the other tourists when I'm feeling a bout of travel rage.  I don't post about feeling guilty when I'm not constantly happy or thankful for the experiences before me, because jeez what a freakin' bummer!  No one wants to read or see that!  But it happens, man, it definitely happens.

Let's make a quick list of some of the less appealing parts of travel:
1.  Making travel plans.  Some people find this part super fun and invigorating--researching for hours and booking hostels or compiling the dopest itineraries, but this part drives me mad.  I swear, if I didn't book the first big ticket to another country, I wouldn't travel around at all.  The in betweens of travel--booking carpools, buses or trains, and then sorting out a hostel situation, and then researching the city and what should be done in and around the city--this is the part that takes me forever.  I'm always the last minute traveler and I miss out on a lot of good deals and prime lodging locations because of this, but the idea of planning is sometimes so unappealing that I don't care how last minute plans get.
2.  Making mistakes and losing money in the process.  On this Europe trip, I flew into London and had one full day there.  Because I was running behind, I booked a last minute airbnb that seemed close to the city center to me, but was actually a large distance away.  Long story short, I spent LOADS of money on a taxi to get to my location, only to spend one night in a super shitty house/room and I didn't even get to explore London's city center before I had to catch my flight to Amsterdam the next day.  Another epic London fail:  I took the wrong series of trains to get to the airport and ended up missing my flight.  It was really and truly the worst way to start the trip.  I was distraught as I was out eighty pounds, but I just had to grit my teeth and buy a new flight.
3.  Being tired from travel and not feeling as productive as I could or should be.  I often feel guilty if I'm too tired or hungover to fully engage with the city I'm staying.  Whenever I'm not fully appreciative or feeling sorry for myself, I get to feeling super guilty about it.  Even so, I've gotten better at accepting these moments and looking at this trip with a long term lens instead of just boom, boom, boom, tourist sightseeing machine.
4.  Hauling luggage.  AHHHHH I hate my luggage.  I hate carrying it.  I hate what I've packed.  I hate unpacking and repacking once a week and thinking about the way to best distribute the weight of my pack.  I just want to burn all of it and travel with a small satchel and never lug around anything heavy again.  I've already sent 5kg worth of stuff home and I'm still getting rid of as many things as possible.  I always tell myself I'm going to pack lighter, and I do, but even a backpack and small suitcase seems like too much now.  I again have to think about my travels in the long term and not be too hard on myself.
5.  Feeling lonely (single tear).  While traveling alone is usually a completely invigorating and empowering experience, I do go through bouts of loneliness.  I miss talking to my parents on the phone and hanging around with my brothers, and I often wish that I had a companion (friend or lovah!) to share certain moments with.  Like, "hey baby, let's get us some gelato and take a walk on this ancient bridge while these pink streaks of sunset rest upon house after house of stacked stuccoed rooftops all while we contemplate history, art, beauty, nature, mankind, THE WORLD!"  You get the idea.  I love making friends with the locals and hostel bums alike, but it would also be nice to (sometimes) share the experience with a significant person in my life.

I'm gonna keep the list at five to keep from sounding like a whiny baby.  I won't tell you the full story about my most recent full day of travel which ended with four cracked open eggs all over the inside of my new leather bag.  Goop galore for the delirious and wearied.  I'll save the part about dragging my roller luggage across cobblestone streets at 10pm at night--truly the most abrasive clacking noise I've ever heard, a machine gun of clacks, no way to mask it, slow or fast--all while onlookers gaped, following my path as I walked in circles in search of my hostel.  I'll save these and other travel woes because shit happens, things don't always go as planned, and hey, it's all a part of the journey, man!

Phew!  Did that give you anxiety like it did me!?  These photos are just the tip of the iceberg, my friends.  Oh well.  Here's to the good and the bad!

Berlin!

When you get back from a day of walking around in Berlin in the summer, your skin feels sticky to the touch.  The bottoms of your feet are blackened and a shiny film coats your face.  The edges of your fingernails have seen cleaner days and your hair lies limp, lifeless.  But your cheeks have a rosy balm to them and your body aches so good that you collapse into your brick hard bed feeling like you've never laid in such luxury as this.  After walking strasse after strasse to get from one museum to the next while people watching at each cute café and unique shop, popping in and out of the quirkiest of galleries, you know that Berlin is something special.  Berlin is youth, energy, grunge, rebellion, art, history, east, west, hard, soft, a literal binary, dichotomous but fused into something that just feels cool as all hell.  

When I got my belly-button (re)pierced in Mitte, I was on such a high that I was preparing myself for a radical, half-shave headed haircut and a gold double ringed septum piercing.  I'd wear overalls with the shorts rolled up and some sort of ridiculous platformed shoes, not the high-heeled kind, the flat ones like the 90s that just lift you a few extra inches.  I'd roll my own cigarettes and spray paint with the boys, skateboard, and walk my dog without a leash like everyone else.  The possibilities seemed and still seem endless. 

I've had a tumultuous few days.  I've hardly gotten any sleep and I haven't even been clubbing.  Quick list of things before I actually do fall into my bed for the night.
-Holocaust memorial and information center
-Losing my cell phone and having the nicest ppl help me at the coolest/yummiest vegan spot.
-Mailing 5kg of stuff home.
-The nice Slovenia girls who helped me book a train when I was desperate.
-Reading Anne Frank's diary every night.
-Shopping at Zara and Birkenstock.
-Rewe-I LOVE REWE. (grocery store)
-Thrift shopping at "Made in Berlin."
-Lattes every day at my favorite coffee shop "Karaca" with the Turkish guy at the counter.  I always spent my mornings writing down a list of what I'd done the day before and filling in the places I'd walked on my Berlin map.
-Hearing "Let it be" played by some kid at the Berlin Dom and getting all wheepy about Americaa.  Gave him some coins because why the hell not.
-The crazy amount of galleries on Augustrasse.
-The freaky dark piercing place with the super chipper lady who ended up giving me a deal and telling me that I must be tough because Americans are tough.
-Construction EVERYWHERE.  Graffiti everywhere.
-The coolest people.  Grungy but polished.  Berlin was different from Cologne.  I need to write an entire post on the clothing, but where Cologne was relaxed, earthy, loose fitted, but put-together, Berlin was somehow more edgy.  Walking graffiti.  Tattoos, piercings, still loose fitting, but with a certain kind of swagger, a certain level of toughness.
-The same, maybe could be said about distinctions in personalities between Cologne and Berlin people.  I don't have much to compare since I was staying with the best group of folks in Cologne but the Berlin people just seem a little more...standoffish? or really, just more tough, thick skinned, bold, brash.  And Cologne people are some of the most mellow and chilled out people I know.  Aaanyway, the general attitudes of both were definitely reflected in their dress.
-So many museums, galleries and memorials.  Bode museums (a bunch of statues that really just bored me to tears), Hamburger Banhof, a giant old train station converted into a contemporary art museum, 
-THE BERLIN WALL.  Enlightening.  I had no idea that the damn thing stayed put for 41 years.  German history in general is just.  A lot.
-Getting lost in a cemetery.
-Finding an American expat at the outdoor store and coveting her life.
-Getting mixed up on the subway.  Not paying for any of the subway fares and almost getting caught by the neon-vested subway police who give out forty euro fines left and right.  I slipped out the moment they were about to ask for my fare and then skip-jogged the distance of another stop home not believing my luck.

I don't even know.  There's so many things.  For most days, I would walk around for 6-8 hours of the day because I'm stubborn and I like walking.  My feet are dead, but I feel refreshed and ready for the next city.  I feel lucky that I've left each city so far knowing that I will return.  Each brings its own special flavor and Berlin just might be a future home.  I'll cross my fingers.

We Won.

We won.  I have a twisted ankle, bruises all over my body, and perhaps the fiercest hangover of my life, but god damnit, we won.  Last night, Germany won the World Cup final in a nail biter of a match against Argentina. 

It seems sort of weird and dumb for an American girl who doesn't follow football to care about this World Cup final, but let me tell you, it was everything.  I came to Europe knowing I would be swept up in the football madness, but I really had no idea what I was getting into.  Watching game after game after game, asking a million questions about the teams and the rivalries and the rules, and just letting myself get consumed by the madness were all just the preparation for watching the final game in Germany.

The moment that Germany scored the only goal of the match was unlike any other.  I was on the inside of a firework and I had no idea what was up, down, sideways--it was just.  It was just the most amazing moment.  I jumped up from my chair with the room full of Germans and was consumed by man hugs from every corner.  I was embraced, stepped on, swung about--at one point, a group of the huggers and me toppled sideways on a bed, and all I could feel from that point on was German bodies flinging and flopping themselves upon me.  It was probably the happiest collective moment I've ever experienced. 

Let me explain why a soccer match could be this momentous.  If you know nothing about soccer, the World Cup is a competition held every four years and just happens to be the most widely viewed sporting event in the world--more than the Olympics, more than the Super Bowl, EVEN more than the Puppy Bowl.  So, I found out right away that this was a big deal.  Maybe the biggest deal.  According to Wikipedia, there have only been 20 World Cup tournaments, and only eight countries have won in all that time, so people literally wait a lifetime to see their country win.  For Germany, their last win was in 1990, so most of the people I watched the game with were six years old at the time.  I just can't imagine watching and waiting for 25 years of my life for my team, my country to win.

In terms of "fandom," football fans take the cake, without a doubt in my mind, and I noted this distinction from the start.  It's more than just a sport to these people; it's a part of their culture, a part of their lifestyle, and it's ingrained in their collective histories.  I know a ton of diehard sports fans back home, but something about football fandom feels deeper.

 I started watching football the moment I got to Europe.  I was in Holland for two weeks or so and watched as many games as possible.  When in Rome, right?  I figured I may as well start watching so I could get to know the teams from the countries where I'd be staying on my trip.  Since I'd planned to stay with Leonie in Germany for the last week of the World Cup, I knew that Germany was the team that needed to win.

 Flash forward a month and I'm drinking beer in the street with a throng of Germans, flags everywhere, soccer balls whizzing past and all the cars honking with passengers hanging out of the windows screaming, cheering, chanting for Germany, high fives and hugs everywhere, bikers whooping and fist pumping past, and me, here I am, in Germany, I kept thinking, I'm here! I'm here! I'm here in Germany!!!!  What are the chances?  What are the odds?  And how lucky can I get to be celebrating with Leonie, Basti, and the most rambunctious group of dudes?

 I will never forget it.